The meaning of heartache

I have a broken heart.

I never knew it would hurt this badly.

I have been so dumb these past six years.

Fuck

I absolutely, positively despise crying.

My cat, Ashely has died.

And I will not cry.

Alcohol and nicotine, it keeps us warm inside

Ssssh, everybody... I'm pretending to take a shower so I won't have to IM the bitches in the chatroom, namely, Nick.

Normally at this time I do take a shower, though. If you can call the routine I've developed since Monday a routine. I dick around until 5-ish, when I turn off all the lights in my room save this blue-lighted fountain, and put on my "What's Relaxing" playlist with nature sounds and Chinese bamboo music (?). I shove my rug to one side of the room. I unroll my purple yoga mat in front of my mirror.

I go into the bathroom. I pee. I return wearing only my bra and panties.

I sit on my mat in lotus, thinking of what I want to accomplish: I want to strengthen my body, mind, and soul. Some of y'all might read this and think, "That vain bitch only wants to strengthen her body." Well, I do, but I also think it's really important to have a healthy mind. So... go me.

Then I do sitting twists, which sometimes crack my back very nicely. Three on each side. Then I sit with my left leg tucked in and my right leg straight out and stretch and hold it three times. Then I switch.

Breathing deeply. In three counts (thinking "Om nama shivaya"), hold for two ("namaste"), out for three ("om nama shivaya").

Then I do my kicks, which remind me of some weird-ass 80s work-out video Alicia's mom had in their basemente. And this thong-assed leotard Corinne and I giggled over in Joan's Attic. Or is it Jones' Attic? What a mystery.

Then I do three sun salutations, holding the middle one the longest and lowering, instead of knees-chest-chin, straight down.

Then I rock-and-roll three times, coming up the last time into boat and holding it. I repeat this twice more.

Then I do a shoulderstand and hold it as long as I can, constantly working my way higher.

Then I practice a balancing pose. Monday I did tree. Tuesday I did standing dragon. Wednesday I did warrior three. Today I did dancer.

Then I do whatever I wish. Today I did dolphin and shark, for arm strength.

Then I meditate (breathing deeply) for however long I like.

Then I shower.

But today I didn't shower. I went online. Where I am now.

I'm so happy I've gotten back to yoga. I add it to my places I truly feel I fit in: 1) the stage, 2) skiing, 3) yoga.

-hugs self-

You'll Laugh

I giggled.

Bonnebell Liplights

So, o faithful readers. As I've previously mentioned, it seems that I haven't posted an entry to my blog since Pax Romana. Huh. Intriguing.

It's 3:42 right now, I'm leaving to bike to Hayden's house at 4:30, and in between I have to sup. So time is of the essence. And yet patience is a virtue. Why do expressions have to be so contradictory (kind of like Christianity)?

Yesterday was Matthew Shepard day, pretty intense. I hide my emotions very well, I've learned. Like yesterday I was devastated and thoughtful, and yet I believe I seemed even more exuberant than ever.

Also, I'm still pissed at Jess (I know she's reading this, hey, Jess), but I think it was only the right thing to do to forgive her. I don't trust her. And she angers me almost constantly, because I don't think she's serious about anything. I've told her this, so I'm not being a total ass-hat. And I don't mean to single her out, she's just the best example I can think of to show how much I hide my emotions.

Other than extreme anger, I've been pretty impassive the last week. I don't know why. I just feel removed from everything, like I'm watching the world turn below me. We learned about that in science. Now I really want to sit in a helicopter and just watch Earth rotate. Spin, Earth, spin.

My brother, Mom, and I took a tour of NYU. I realize I'm only a freshman, and it's not time yet to start developing some deep grooves in my forehead, but it really appeals to me. I've always felt very comfortable in New York; I've also felt very comfortable in our summer home in the country in Sweden, so I guess I'm adaptable. It would just be amazing to spend four years in the city. Too bad I would have to $12,000 to live there, at least in the college dorms, which are amazing in a good way. And then tuition is unbelievable, in a bad way. And last year they only accepted 28% of admissions. Why is the world against me???

At least I'm not an idiot. I'm really not. Some people say, "I hate dumb people," -cough-, when they are indeed one themselves. But I'm fairly intelligent. Above average, I think.

Wait, that's not gloating. I didn't mean to gloat. Was I gloating? I was just trying to word how I have an advantage over all those morons applying to NYU. Maybe this is what Corinne means when she calls me arrogant.

Try-outs for the musical are on January 9. I'm already nervous, but who can't wait to see me hide that emotion, too??? Steven told me that they split the try-out-ees into groups of 10-15, and then you sing in front of your group, Abbe, Marge, and the stage managers, who, if they're the same as for the drama, are Lil and Stef. It's bad enough for people who can sing, who take voice lessons, who have an amazing voice, but I cannot. At all. And I know that. Which is even worse. A lot of people think they can sing, when, in all actuality, they really, absolutely should never, ever open their mouths for a musical purpose ever again.

I think I'll be singing "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations. It's such a fun song. And I already sang it once in front of people, at camp, doing improv. But I was scared even then, and they were all my friends.

But, hey, I'll act calm, cool, and collected. That's why I am flipping awesome in Jesters. Because I'm a great actress! So many years of experience. -tremble- "Don't tremble."

Hey, at least I'll have a hook.

The Say Anything concert was so much fun!!! I enjoyed myself immensely. At first, I thought Sayreville was a total hick town (which it is), but Starland Ballroom was incredible. And I fell in love twice that night and made a friend! Which my last post explained briefly.

My brother is an ASSHOLE. He makes fun of me when I'm upset, he insults me when I'm excited, he makes negative comments when I'm happy. He talks about me to his friends. He helps spread rumors about me. He HITS ME IN THE FACE WITH A TENNIS BALL. He excludes me from everything. It pisses me off.

I was talking to Nick and Andrew about how hot Hayden is. Because she is exceedingly gorgeous. I would go gay for Hayden. The gross thing is that Nick, the other Nick, and Steven were also talking about how hot she is. They're almost seventeen. She's almost thirteen. Once she's in high school, though, she's "fair game." I told Nick she hates him, which broke his little kitten-like heart. I told Andrew she thinks he's cute, which she does, and that she thinks we should go out. Oh, Hayden. I love that girl. She's probably up there in my top three friends. I won't tell who the other two are, but you guys know who you are, and, if you're not, you probably think you are. So everybody's happy, except those who couldn't understand that sentence.

I just finished three good books, two of them better than the third. "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" by a person (I can't find the book) and "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer. I am so in love with Edward in "Twilight." I want to bear his children, except that I don't think that's possible. You'll have to have read the book to know what I mean.

I'm going to wrap this up since it's almost time to go. Hayden's house, ho. (Love that girl.)

I am Claire, who is a tease

I realize these things:
- I haven't posted since the establishment of Child Labor Laws
- everything may change tomorrow
- I am not of sound mind and body
- this is not my last will and testament

However, this post is not going to quench your CC-thirst. Which is why I am Claire, who is a tease. ("The Breakfast Club," anyone?) This is merely a teaser, merely a list, which goes as follows:

Nine Reasons I Really Enjoyed The Say Anything Concert

1. The security guard we made friends with put us in the VIP parking and line
2. We were right up against the stage, in the front row, the entire time (except Steve, Lucas, and Nick, who went crowd-surfing, and in the middle of the second-to-last song Corinne got nauesous so we went to the bathroom)
3. I made friends with a kick-ass security guard.
4. My friend, the kick-ass security guard, poured water in our mouths, on our heads, splashed us, etc.
5. It was Corinne's first concert (besides gospel concerts, which totally don't count).
6. We went all the way to Sayreville, NJ, for it, which made me feel like a groupie.
7. Max, the lead singer of Say Anything, pointed at me and winked while we were singing a song.
8. In the first of three other bands, I fell in love with the bassist.
9. During one of the songs, a member of a different band who looked remarkably like a dwarf/lumberjack (lumberjack hat, dwarf beard, stocky, but not short) was dumped onto the stage in a garbage bag, and when he finally emerged after a lot of kicking all he wore was an orange Speedo.

It was sooooooooooooooooooooo good.

I just had to

I'm about to leave to go to Corinne's birthday party, but I just had to...

I... I just had to....

Brief, brief, very brief

This is very, very brief, but we were told to write it down by Abbe (Abby?).

Today we made a world-record-short strike. It took only 55 minutes.

Boo-ya.

More later.

Nice, Short Response

Kay, this is just going to be a response to comments: short, sweet, and to the point.

Anonymous wrote, "so wait. y do you kiss her? im so confused? you guys hookup--but your not going out? interesting thought. pce," which I assume is in response to, "Yup we are totally going out and totally having hot steamy sex right now in this very room. Yup, Yup, Yup. ::being sarcastic::CC and I are both straight, but we are best friends that is why we are always seen together. Yeah we act weird, but we don't really care what people think of us. Plus who ever f*cking started this rumor is going to f*cking die. Don't worry I'm not angry at you, "Anonymous". I'm just angry at the fact that people can stoop so low and spend their lives spreading rumors that are not even true. I appreciate you asking before assuming.JessP.s. you can tell who ever talks about it that it's not true. Please," which is in response to, "there are some gossip rumors going around that like everybody apparently konwed except for me, like that jess came out of the closet and you and her are goin out? it sounds not true, though also quite realistic and possible. wanna fill me in?"

My dear, sweet Anonymous. Since when have I been kissing Jess? You ask why I kiss her - I do? Really? Please, name a time, place, etc. I'm not quite sure I'm following your train of thought. And - hooking up? We've been hooking up? Jeez, I've been missing so much.

See, you're probably a slut or a man-slut. You're the one hooking up with people and not going out with them. I'm the one not hooking up with members of the same sex.

Oh, I'm so good at this. Confusion cleared!

(P.S. I'd like to see a response from Anonymous to this.)

Wow

Well, howdy, y'all. It's been about... oh... forever since I last posted. And I decided to post now because, quite frankly, I didn't want my next post to be about my cat, Ashley, dying. See, she's about a bajillion years old and she can barely walk and she's practically blind and deaf and she's a Persian but her fur's really raggedy and her liver's failing and she can't control her bodily functions and she's really cranky because we have her in a concentration camp in the playroom. Except, you know, without the Nazis.

Coheed and Cambria is an interesting phenomenon. The music is good. Nay, the music is fabulous but for one thing. The singing is uber-feminine. Except for this one part in "The Suffering" when they sing "If it was up to me" where on "up to me" it goes low.

Writing about low, yesterday I watched "Walk the Line" and determined three things: a) Joaquin Phoenix is a major hottie (a confirmation rather than a realization), b) not all country is bad, and c) Johnny Cash sang really low. I never realized it before. But he does.

What have I been doing since August 30th... ho, hum. Well, school started. Duh. I have mostly good teachers, I think, but I'm not going to write anything specific because the school has a tendency of SPYING on the kids. Fck you, school. It's so ridiculous that we can be suspended for things we do out of school. What the hell is that all about? Jeez.

Patrick left us for Chaminade. It was heartbreaking. I miss him so much every day. Jess, Alicia, Sophia, Cori, and I went to the first Chami-dance. It was so much fun! We got to meet all of Pat's little Catholic friends, and an upperclassman with the words "BUY SODA" written on his biceps flexed for Jess, Cori, and I. He wasn't very yummy, though. Only a little bit. I like cocky, aggressive guys, but he seemed too cocky and aggressive. Ah, well. Life shall go on.

I tried out for the drama and... I got in! It's a whole bunch of little sketches that all take place in a restaurant strung along, so we're calling it "A La Carte". I'm in one scene, "Dishing the Dirt", with Stef and Austen. We're gossiping about all these celebrities walking into the restaurant, but it turns out - no! I won't spoil it! I refuse! I'm also in another scene, "Eat Your Heart Out", where Lucas is forced to hit on me and Kelly plays the funniest character. I'm so excited for it! I can't wait! But I'm also really nervous, because if I crack up in "Dishing the Dirt" I'll ruin the whole scene! I have to practice keeping a straight face. Hee hoo. Hee hoo.

I'm psyched because I'm doing pretty well in math this year. Knock on wood.

I'm in GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance), and I think the stuff we're going to do is going to be really cool.

I'm also in Interact. I helped out at the Oktoberfest in September and I had so much fun hanging with Danielle, Hayden, Pat, John, and Henry. It was buckets of enjoyment. And the animals in the petting zoo were so cute!!! Little baby duckies, and a kid (baby goat), and bunnies, and chickens, yummy yum yum!

Oh, I'm also a very new Buddhist. I'm a bit fuzzy though and I really need to find a mentor.

Aha! I found a really awesome website for tights that I'm not telling anybody about because it's my website, mine mine mine! I can't wait to get some; they're going to be totally, for lack of better word, pimp!

There's also a good website for free sht that I'm also not telling anyone about. It's mine. Mwahahahahaha.

Bonnie officially gets the Cool Car of the Century award. I have no idea what type it is, except it's totally old school with a convertible T-top and to keep the trunk open you have to put a stick in it and there's no foot room in the backseat so if anyone's back there (namely, me) you have to pretty much lay down on the seats. And she has an iPod mini with iTrip so she can blast music in it, too. It's awesome!!! She wants to sell it to Steve in April before she goes to college, and I'm going to try to get him to sell it to me when he goes to college. I want that car!!!

I also want my license, but that's beside the point.

Tonight, Mom, Jen, Nick, and I are going to the new Scream Park. I'm scared. Men chase you with chainsaws. And there's a maze. And I'm scared. Patrick went with Henry and a couple of other guys, and he said it was great because nothing scares Henry. He's "stoic," apparently. I want to go with Henry!!! Waaaaaah!!! Nick's a pussy, he's probably going to piss his pants!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

The field hockey season's going... well-ish. We're 2-7, I think. I hyperextended my elbow playing that god-forsaken sport.

I probably forgot a shtload of stuff because it's been two months since my last post, but whatever.

Desperate

I'm desperate. I'm desperate to help somebody, to do something, to stop the way I hurt other humans and the environment.

I want to stop global warming, or, as it's now being called, climate change. I don't want to have to see another clip of a polar bear struggling to get onto an ice floe because it's habitat is literally melting away.

I want to stop the Canadian seal hunt. I don't want to see the sea in northern Canada turn red from the blood of baby seals.

I want to stop deforestation. I don't want to travel state to state, country to country, and never see anything but cities and highways.

There are so many things I want to do, so many ways I want to help, and I don't know how to, or if I can. I don't want to do these things to get my name in the papers, to be remembered. I want to do it just to make things better.

And, in time, I know that if I don't help, and if I live selfishly, I'll never be satisifed with myself. I like to think of myself as an extraordinary person with extraordinary needs, beliefs, and goals. These are things I must do. It's not a desire, it's not a want, it's a complete and utterly heart-wrenching need.

I can't live in a world with people and animals who are oppressed, who can't live because, somehow, they were left out when the food, water, jobs, and homes were given out. How does it end up like that? How can people standing on the sidelines watch things turn out the way they do? Why doesn't everybody feel like this?

Why does it seem that nobody else cares?

There are organizations that put animal abusers in jail. There are charities that give clothes to humans living in poverty. But those groups care about their cause, and their cause only - they fight for government funding because they think that what they are doing is more important. Why can't it all be important? Not just to make it more simple, but because it all is. Every little thing that is corrupt and terrible about the world that I have no choice but to live in is as important as everything else.

Please, I'm begging anybody, everybody who reads this, tell me I'm not insane. Tell me that what I'm typing right now is right, is true. There is something wrong, many things wrong, things that need to be fixed. It's not all in my head; it's right here, right now. Please.

Nekked

Why is it that whenever I'm angry I end up half-naked? Not with anybody. God, no. You know me, Little Miss Chastity. I just end up in my bra and trousers... or pants and shirt... alone. By myself. Seething.

This time I'm angry because my mom's being a WHORE. For no apparent reason. She says, "I come home ready to take you to the sports store and then to go shopping so you can have a sleepover with Jess but instead I find your shit all over the place . . . It will be a cold day in hell before Jess ever comes over here." I think the "shit" she referred to was the remnants of my Maine trip - a vest, a bike helmet, a beach bag, the backpack that I had JUST unpacked, and my camera case. The camera case that SUCKS because it let my camera get wet.

So Jess invited me to go over there and I haven't asked yet because my mom will have a bitch fit (see the movie "White Chicks" and you'll get it) and I just asked and she said no, what a ho. What a ho... for sho.

Then to cool off I went on a nice long bike ride around our cute little village... and when I got home I was so hot I ripped my shirt off. So now I'm wearing pink cut-off tights, polka-dot shorts, a plaid headband, and my bra. Which is white with a bow in the middle.

Listen up, people

Okay, people, here's the deal. I'm a self-professed nerd, and my geekdom needs your help. Click on the link below, sign up, and then never play again. It gives me "money" to buy stuff on my account. So please do it and tell all of your friends to do it BUT IT HAS TO BE TO THAT LINK. Okay? Okay.

Good work, people. Take five.

http://friends.stardoll.com/r/d3cfe41c84671029879f

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeep, you knew I was gonna

I have decided to battle my fatigue in an epic war and post on my epic and wondrous fairy tale of a blog.

Is the fatigue that evident?

I've been back from Maine (where I went with Corinne and her family) for a while now, and I've been back from camp for an even longer time. I don't remember I single thing I've done for the past... what, four weeks? Well, okay I remember some stuff.

I remember baby-blue tee shirts, weird teeth, cool hair, dirt paths, mustaches, shmen, Mario-impersonators, provocative dances, cheers, gravel, bleeding, a white boob, white elbows, pigtails, a corset, broom-twirling, clean toilets, dirty panties, chipmunks, and that's about it. That's what I remember from Camp Blue Bay, a.k.a. Girl Scout Camp, a.k.a. Hot Loser Chicks' Convention.

I mean, seriously. I got back from camp, and I go up to my brother, and I say, "Man, Steve, there are so many hot girls at CBB. You'd be in freaking HEAVEN."

Plucky plucky.

From Maine, I remember rocks, frogs, water, camera, spaghetti, delicious hot dogs, knee braces, a quad, moose torsos, moose poop, construction guys, rocks, abandoned houses, beer, snoring, trundlety, flat black things, leeches, and Mrs. Budweiser. And, no, you won't get an explanation for any of that.

I started bleeding today in Best Buy because I scratched a bug bite (a Maine momento) open, and I bled all over EVERYTHING, including my mom. Funnily enough, I didn't realize it until my mom noticed blood all over her arm. She dragged me to the bathroom, where she washed her arm and I washed mine, then she used a "young wives' trick" on it - put a tiny piece of toilet/tissue paper over the wound and it will stop the bleeding. Apparently she discovered this as a young woman after getting sloshed with her girlfriends in a pre-going-out scenario, and then shaving her legs and pretty much tearing them open.

I went to Latin dance lessons with Jess, Steve, and his friends Maggie and... and... Katie? Is that right? Nononono, of COURSE not. Good thing she probably won't read this, seeing as we only met today and it'd be kind of awkward if she knew about my life and I pretty much only knew she was wearing a blue skirt and she looked nice and thin in her white shirt.

Back to the dance, it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! The main instructor, Jose (accent-e), is the most awesome man ever to grace the face of this earth. He's incredible! I wonder if he's gay. He looked kind of gay, but he's also really sexy, so I don't know. He's so comfortable with the women, it makes me think he's gay, but then he'll flash a smile and he'll be totally seductive.

Well, anyway, the class had everybody, old and young, male and female, and I actually got a, "Nice, very nice," from Jose (accent-e) by the end of the lesson and a raised eyebrows and shocked expression from the other instructor... eh... I want to say Carmen? Maybe. But the point is, I sucked at the beginning, and I was good at the end. And it was SO MUCH FUN!!!

I want to DANCE with somebody and it was FUN and the old man was suprisingly GOOD and three of the guys SUCKEd and one was was kind of cute and YOUNG and Jose (accent-e) was SEXY and the other was my brother so I won't comment. Damn, that was really fun. I want to get Mike and Pat to come with Jess and I next time.

I think I'm going to a Latin concert on the 31st, so I can use my new skills. You know, guys like girls with skills. You know, like nunchuck skills... man, that was lame. I should be knifed in a dark alley by a woman in a black jumpsuit who leaped down from the top of the building with the black pieces of fabric she uses as wings flapping around her.

My life should be a movie. It'd be so freaking funny. I'd watch it.

Speaking, or writing, of movies, my brother went to seee "Snakes on a Plane" without me and I REALLY want to see it and he made me angry so now I'll watch the Transformers movie before him and I'll watch the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie before him so THERE.

Camp Tomorrow

Tomorrow, bright and early at 8:30am at Hofstra University, Corinny-pinny and I are leaving for Girl Scout camp (the dorks that we are). Hurrah bug-infested bathrooms!!!

The Swedes have left and given me my room back. Hurrah, void of space they previously occupied!!! Not that I don't love 'em. I do. It's just... I like my room. You know? We had fun, but... it's just... what I said before. It's so nice with the house all nice and empty and I can walk around in my underwear again. Which I actually did when they were here, too. We're Swedish. Give us a break.

I got back from Alicia's pool and discovered that I've only packed 3 pairs of underwear for 14 days of camp. Ummm... that's not going to work out well. Hurrah, dirty panties!!!

I got my first B-cup bras yesterday. I've been B for a while, but I haven't had B bras. One of them is bright green with lace panels and it's so freaking sweet. Hurrah, boobs!!!

I also went to Dick's (-stifles immature laughter-) and got a new mess kit... and... other things of that nature. What else did I get? OH, a really awesome new rain jacket that I actually will wear. I get so excited over a rain jacket. I should be put down. Hurrah, euthanasia!!! I got a lot of other stuff, too, but I don't remember what.

I ALSO went to Sears and got water shoes, which are mandatory for camp. Hurrah, stones not piercing my feet!!!

Where else did I go? Hurrah, short-term memory!!!

Oh, I went to Target to get my cute little travel-sized toiletries (-stifles more immature laughter). Toilet... trees... (-more laughter-) Hurrah, looking sexy but acting like you're three!!! Too bad I'm not sexy...

Aw, poor Elton John. He wants love... just a different kind... but it's impossible. -tear- Hurrah, homosexuality!!!

I really should pack up and get ready for camp, so I'm going to check out of this emotion-hotel.

My sweet Patrick...

I love you. I don't want to hurt you. We'll talk when I get back.

Dearest Ali and Jess and Hayden...

I'll miss you beeyatches so much. Kisses and hugs. Love y'all.

Fourth of Jew-lie

I had an awesome fourth. I don't know about you losers, but I had copious amounts of fun. I was barely off the beach from 11:00am to 11:00pm. An hour or two for the World Cup and dinner, a half hour for lunch, the whole she-bang. Ten minutes to get Advil for my head and non-skinned thighs. (My skin was grafted off by my super-fly new Billabong board shorts.)

Can you BELIEVE Italy beat Germany??? Two-nothing!!! It was a pretty awesome game - both of the goals were scored in overtime!!! One of them at 119 minutes - almost two hours into a match that's supposed to last an hour and a half.

Later in the day, after it had been Hannah, Jesper, and I - oh, Majsan, Thomas, Hannah, and Jesper are visiting us from Sweden - for a while on our BRAND NEW "Island Oasis" water-float-thing (complete with palm tree, ball-backrest-things, and cup holders), Steve joined us, then Nick, then Corinne and Mary, then Hayden, then it was Mike, Hayden, Steve, Nick, Hannah, and I all pushing each other off, and it was just fun in the water all day. And I's got a wicked sunburn.

And my neck hurts from looking up and watching fireworks.

And then we went back to Mike's pool and played.

Really awesome day.

I have to go call Jess now because she left a message saying she wants to go to the beach or something.

Wiinurr

I know, I know, I haven't posted in like foreva. The only reason I am (well, one of the reasons) is because I received a comment from Anonymous asking me to update. Whoa, man. If people I don't even know the name of are asking me to update, then... man, I must be rockin'.

Anyway, I'm not going to bother blogging about all the spiffing parties I've been too. Just one of them. Summer solstice party on the beach with Chip, Bryn, Hayden, Dane, Eerik's parents, Eerik, Nik, Gabby's parents, Gabby, Erin's parents, Erin, Danny, Jason, Steve, Mom, Steve's girls, and the rest of Steve's guys. Eerik, Hayden, Nik, Gabby, Dane, and I all had quite an enjoyable time playing on a 10-foot long surfboard in the water. Eerik's hair wet is wicked, I assure you. Quite long, as well.

o rly?

ya rly

no wai

ya wai

{o,o}
)__)
-"-"-

I chopped off nearly all my hair. Nick may not believe me, but it's true. And I either look pretty damn rocking or like a man. But my hair does NOT look good there, let me tell you. It looks better most of the time. It flips up naturally and looks good messy. I use this gel with it called BEDHEAD Manipulator and it... well, I'll just say it's pretty damn HAWT.

I have NUFFINK to DO and SO I WILL play WITH caps LOCK. Caps LOCK off CAPS lock ON.

Jess is back from the hospital where she was being treated for clinical depression. She seems so much better, but when the medicine starts to wear off at around four or five in the morning (she takes it after breakfast), it's worrisome.

Ali, Cori, Jess, and I went shopping and I got some illchill items. Namely, a Blink-182 wrist cuff, a striped shirt, striped leg warmers, two pairs of freaking awesome shoes (one of which I'm sharing with Corinne), three bracelets, boardshorts, pumpkin flavored body butter, and... other... things. We only went to Hot Topic, PACSUN, G+G, and Bath and Body Works. We wanted to go to Old Navy, Victoria's Secret (push-up bras!!!), H&M, and... other... shops. But of course we got there are 6pm and Gloria (Ali's mom) wanted us home by 10:30, at which time most stores are closed anyway. Freaking great.

We did get a flipping sweet canvas tote at Bath and Body Works for $3. We all signed it, and a notebook we got at TARGET, and we're going to pass the two of them around to each other all summer. Cliches galore. We'll write letters in the notebook, and every time we pass it on to another sister (we're the Sisters of Light) we pass the bag on with some sort of object or souvenir in it.

God, we're such pussies.

We all have special names that mean "light" in different languages - Alicia is Luce (Italian), I am Ljus (Swedish), Jess is Luz (Spanish), and Corinne is Loumieure (French and not spelled correctly).

Hooray hooray.

I have nothing else to tell except that I spent the last half hour scrubbing piss water off the floor in my basement. The toilet above overflowed and it leaked through. Hip freaking hooray.

I'm out.

Yeah, so I can paint with all the colors of the wind, wanna make something out of it?

Patrick's trying to get between me and Ali. Whoa.

Well, folks, this is my first post from a computer other than my laptop. ::gasp:: That's 'cause my laptop's been pussyfooting around and enjoys to watch me suffer and beat my head with my phone charger. Oh, yeah. That's how evil my laptop is.

I don't think highly of myself. I really don't. Actually, I like me, but think I'm a nasty, frigid bitch. Sophia, Ali, and Cori have all agreed that I can be thoroughly, completely, absolutely, deep-down mean. But I never really am. I truly always look out for them and hope that I'm not hurting them through the only way I know how to express myself and keep myself real - through cynicism. So shoot me. Wha-pow. Nobody gets me. ::Sob::

Except Patrick. That boy is the shit. Mmmm-hmmmm.

I really, really wish I had a love. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable, because I know that pretty much the entire grade reads everybody else's profiles, leading to blogs, but I really wish a guy loved me. And the guy I love - who I thought I didn't love anymore - doesn't love me. And if I didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt to see him hook up with another girl. But it does. And it hurts when he kisses me on the forehead, on the cheek, on the nose, but with nothing more than brotherly care and friendship in mind. And he thinks one of my friends is beautiful and doesn't think it's painful for me to discuss it with him. ::Thumbs up::

I also wish I was pretty. Go figure.

Oh, I just saw "Brokeback Mountain". Jeez. I knew before that guys making out is HOT, but I never actually saw it in action. You know the scene where they just reunite and they're like pushing each other against walls and right after that that guy's wife sees them? That's HOT. Goddamm.

That's officially one of my favorite movies. Just for that part. Mmmmmmm. French fried taters, uh-huh.

Oh, I also watched "The Silence of the Lambs" for the first time two nights ago, and this morning I watched "Hannibal". Which was definitely not as scary as the first one. But I watched the Lambs on Bravo, so I didn't get to see him wear human skin and tuck his sac back. Darn.

Ow. My teeth still hurt from biting my pen on the Omega trip, which, by the way, I looked HOT at. That's probably because it was like 90 million degrees in Brooklyn.


Pun.

I'd Tap That

The title of this post is my favorite phrase. Learn to love it. It will make you happier than your spouse should.

Okay, but the reason I'm blogging is to post something that happened last night that only I found funny, for some reason. Actually, I know why everybody else found it funny, but I don't know why I did. Hahah. Whoooo. ::wipes tears::

But we had our concert Wednesday. I was bored to tears. And Steve's concert was Thursday. I don't get why I have to go to it every year. I was bored to hysterics. Except watching Ben play cello was pretty funny. And I chatted with Alli, Jess's little sister. (For all of you uninformed readers, Steve sings in Chamber Singers and the Concert Chorale, and I play percussion in Concert Band. And Marching Band, too.)

And for my reason for posting...

Last night, Ali, Cori, Cori's mom, and I went to see Just My Luck. I thought we should see Over the Hedge, but that shows how juvenile I am. Ah, well. I hate when parents tag along. It's so wearisome. ::sigh:: But we went to La Famiglia first, and I can't even type this without laughing. Cori probably doesn't want me to post this, but I don't care. She was drinking Snapple, and I/Ali said something and made her laugh, and she started laughing and then she started choking and it was really funny but she was like really dying and I couldn't help laughing and Ali and Paula looked at me look I was a terrible person. But it was funny!!! And then she starts making these like urk urk sounds and wet burps and then she grabs a napkin and starts vomiting continuously.

Hahahahahahah.

Am I the only one that finds that funny?

Anyway, Paula's like throwing more napkins for her to puke into, and she finally stops, but I haven't stopped laughing yet, and then Cori just jumps right back into the convo.

God, that's amusing. And then I gave her gum so she didn't smell barf-breathy. And then I got a Kid Pack Combo at the theatre, and the guy who rips your ticket up was totally flirting with me. Hahahah.

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH.

The new neighbors were moving in today to wear the psychotic murderer FBI agent used to live!!! The elder is a guy, a senior at Chaminade, and way hot. The girl is a freshman at some Catholic school someplace, and she seems really nice. They have a dog, Rocky, and obviously two parents. It's going to be really nice.

Jess is exhausting me. I've already told her this, so it's okay to post it. It's so dirtbag-esque to post an opinion about somebody without them knowing you have that opinion. But even as I'm telling her that it's draining to constantly have to tell her I love her and pet her, she says, "Nobody cares anyore. Just go away and leave me alone." And that's te point where I believe she would want me to go, "Jess, that's not true. I won't leave you. I love you." Which is exactly what I'm tired of doing. I just can't anymore. I can't.

Oh, MA, am I going to miss Patrick next year.

Svenska

Min mama sajer till mej at jag behover skriva en Svenska mer, och det djor jag, faktis. Jag ar INTE bra at det har. Nej, nej, va sin.

Idag ar Mor's Dag, och jag har malat min mama en hjarta mar mina farjar, och jag tikar at det ar ganska bra. NEJ JAG KAN INTE DJURA DET HAR. NEJ NEJ NEJ.

Ingen forstar va jag sajer.

Majsan och Jesper och Tomas och Hanna comer det har somarn. Det ska vara skeet coolt. Jag tror at alla barn (Steve, Jesper, Hanna, och jag) ska sova en sama romat. Va skoj!

Imorn ve har en lacrosse spel. Mera skoj. Jag vet inte om det ar ivag eller hema. Danielle forstar inte va jag sajer.

Ja, men det sista dagen ov skool jag ska bara prata Svensk. Hela dan. Va mina larar ska saja! Mera skoj!

(Om der ar non som pratar Svensk, jag vill bara saja at jag PRATAR Svensk mika bettra det va jag skrivar.)

Jag tror at fur Jol ve ska oka up till Sverige och se Mormor och Morfar och Stefan och alla voren compisar.

Vet du, Gabby... jag skratar at hon. Vet du va det sajer pa henna's LJ? Det ar sa javla roligt.

Nu jag ska ga och ata not, jag tror, for jag ar hungri.

Bubblewrap/Hand-Clapping/Self-Amusement

The only reason I'm posting is to post something that I thought about that kept me occupied for quite a period of time. Pffff, screw Jess and Alicia. I'll sum that up to just about the way girls act: Alicia got pissed at me (oh, sorry "annoyed"), I got pissed at Ali, Jess got pissed at me, I got pissed at Jess, Ali stopped being pissed (I mean "annoyed") at me, Jess begged forgiveness, I'm still pissed at Jess. I hate girls. Jeez. No wonder I'm 50% man.

Eric's party was a blast. It was really, really fun. Despite what Mike and Cori, two uninvited loners (sucks for them), may think. Nick was especially amusing. One word: "BUBBLEWRAP!!!" If you don't get it, you're one the outside. Patrick and I... see, we're on the inside.

P and C, meaning Betty Spaghetti and Baby CC, have also created a hand game type of thing. Whenever we do something really fabulous, we take the letters of in the fabulous word and we square the number of letters, right? Then we do that many high-fives. It's pretty wicked ill. Totally rad. Completely skater-lingo-esque.

Back to my inane self-amusment. I seriously don't need anything else but myself... and probably Patrick and Sophia to spur these thoughts. But I said, "HOLY SEX!!!" in our little AIM chat, and that made me laugh and think about how funny of a statement that is. Because it's like Catholic priests and small boys. Boy oh boy, I am very not PC. Hehe. How bamf.

Bah, I'm too bored to blog every single thing I've do OH WAIT I GOT A 95 ON MY PRACTICE REGENTS!!! HELLS YES!!! AND 100 ON MY MATH QUIZ!!! I AM A GENIUS!!! KISS ME!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE KISS ME BEFORE MY EUPHORIA WEARS OFF!!!

Bah, I'm bored again. Euphoria again. Oh, talking about euphoria, that note from Eerik to Shannon that pretty much the whole school knows about is giving me quite a giggle. I am a mean, mean person. But it's so funny!!!! Jeez Louise.

Oh, talking of Louise, the girl who plays Scout in the TKAM movie is pretty much the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Life in a Nutshell

Okay, here goes...

I have an ingrown toenail. We lost our second lacrosse games. The fair has come to Ransom Beach. Sunday is the anniversary of Greg's death. I don't have a doctor. I do have a wristband. I'm searching for something to sign a petition with. I lost three pounds. I have Eric P.'s confirmation party to go to tomorrow. "Epic" is a great word. I learned "sycophant". Corinne has an epic body. Sid is sycophant.

1) My toe hurt REALLY bad when I woke up Wednesday morning, so I didn't do gym, but I pill-popped my way through our lacrosse game. So I left school early today and went to me doc and she said that I have an ingrown toenail. Icky. This is the same toe that underwent burning and lacerating when I had that weird growth-type thing on it. My buds should remember that. ::shudder:: Maybe I should just cut the toe off.

2) Second lacrosse game lost by 5. One less than the last one. YES!!! Progress!!! Anyway, when we were doing shuttles before the game I hear someone yelling, "CC!!!" and I'm like, "Oh, great, Mom," so I ignore it, and then Shannon's like, "I think somebody's calling you," so I turn around and it made my day. Mom was holding an umbrella (silly rain) in one hand, Emma in the other, and was walking in front of Sarah. It made my day. Seriously. That's how much I've wanted to see them. Sarah, being the greatest thing on Earth, went to play on the playground, and Chrissy's little brothers decided that they would play a game and ask all the little kids on the playground to play except Sarah. Sarah, of course, runs after them, yelling, "Can I play??? Can I play???" and they, of course, look at her and say, "No." Sarah, not upset at all, comes over to my mom, where she was watching, and whispers in her ear, "Anette, those boys are boogey boys." W00t w00t, Sarah!!!

3) I met Nick today at Ralph's to manga before we went to the fair. Ummy um um. Mike and Pat ate at Mike's place and met us there while Nick and I were in a heated debate about eating habits. Silly, silly Nick. Then Cori comes and gets "Grandma's pizza" which is pretty much a square of bread with junk on it. And then we all walk across the street to the fair, where we ride rides and play plays and eat eats and meet Ali and Ricky and break Nick's ribs and cause Pat to internally bleed. And buy ice cream from Lucky. And throw up. And get kicked out of the fun house. And talk about Canadians. Anything I missed, one of you guys post it.

4) Well, Greg died a year ago Sunday. It's been a tough year, but we're getting through it. It'll be alright. This a is a really hard time for Madeleine, though, obviously. And the girls. I hope everything goes well. There's been trouble with the people that were supposed to buy their, and we've had to take in their cat, Ashley, who my cat tried to maul, and who has practically no teeth and could possibly have liver failure and is in REALLY bad shape. It's just tough.

5) My doctor is leaving the practice. I have the WORST luck with doctors. Jeez. They all leave as soon as they get me as a patient. I don't think they like me.

6) I got a wristband from the fair. You know, the kind you get for unlimited rides. I went all out. It's white with orange diamonds.

7) Signing petitons for EarthJustice.Huzzah.

8) Lost three pounds. W00t w00t. Still need to lose more. And prolly gained it back with that ice cream. Damn ice cream.

9) Going to a confirmation party even though I'm an athiest. Pretty nifty. Mom and I went shopping when I was supposed to be in school, and I got this awesome retro dress from H&M. It's so cool and d ifferent. It's off-white with pink flamingos and a kind of green floral pattern with green trim, a bow in the front, and big green buttons going down the front. With it, I got (at Claire's) a sparkly off-white headband, a green bangle, a green pair of dangly earrings, and shoes from someplace I forget. It's going to be really fun, because Sophia and Pat and Nick are going, so it should be good. Oh, and Alicia. Almost forgot about her. Can't do that.

10) My new word is "epic". It's just a great word. I started using it in Raplh's and now it's mine. I have it patented.

11) Mrs. Beers taught Sophia, Cori, and I a new word - sycophant. It means that you suck up to raise your status. Great word. I lick it.

12) Title says it all. Cori's body is epic. Discovered this in Ralph's. Also, Cori coincidentally lost her tooth in Ralph's. It was epic.

13) Reading Tom Sawyer in school. Yay. Sid is sycophant. That's how we learned the word.

Oh, all the Catholic kids went on a retreat today. Pshaw.

My computer has way too much lag. I aologize for anyt spelling errors. I can't see what I'm typing, because it shows iup kind of like6 seconds after I type it.

More Nicknames

Okay, so I have to do School Island and silly social studies notecards, but first I have to post about some new nicky-names.

Oh, and about the mini-bus that's number was "DWI". Hahah. Totally wouldn't take a ride on that bus.

Oh, and about my mom being emotionally disturbed.

But nicknames first. Because for some reason they're in really high demand.

Me: Thorlax the Bringer of Apple Body Lotion on Patrick's Arms; Tohen; Baby CC; Buttlodge
Jess: Diabolical Dina; Little Star
John (did I already post his?): Baywatch Bod'
Alicia: Attorney Nankles; Tour Guide Dorothy; Hottie with a Body
Steve: Vicky

See, these things are always changing and it's kind of hard to keep track.

Wow, my brother yells loud. And my mom is emotionally disturbed. Which I think I already wrote. But s/he/it is. I mean, sometimes she gets so weird. You don't get how weird it really is. I think it's the whole menopause thing.

Okay, I have to pee, so I'm making this a short post. I've been doing that more and more lately.

I am an ugly dyke, an ugly dyke I am

I love Gabby. I no longer hate her. I mean, deep down, I hate her, but on the surface I simply love her. And I'm also very touched by Andrew's and Sophia's reactions to her comment about me.

I'm getting this from Sophia, not the most accurate source (just kidding, babe). Apparently, they're all chatting, and Gabby goes, "And CC's such an ugly dyke." Sophia: "Excuse me?" Gabby: "What?" Sophia: "Screw you, she's my friend." Andrew: "Yeah, you don't insult a drummer." Roar, Gabby, roar. I may love you, but my friends don't like you. In fact, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I don't think anybody does. I think everybody pretty much hates you. My sympathies. Leave an angry anonymous comment about my supposed homosexuality. I'm sure it'll make you feel better and make people love you. Love you. Ciao. Going to go back to my post now. You're not quite important enough to occupy me for very long.

About the five-cat mishap, Corinne very kindly pointed out that I only have four cats. She's right, I'm wrong. Trouble, Callie, Moon, Ashley. I think that's it at least... I have a gnawing feeling that I have another cat, but I can't think of it right now.

"More Than Anything" by Hanson. It's our song. Our = Cori and I. At least I think it is and Cori tries to get away from my death grip. As she's learned, when my arms are around something, they just don't let go. Totally not something I can control.

I'm really upset. The lead singer of Say Anything isn't that hot. In fact, he's quite the opposite. But whatever. I still think the songs are the best I've ever heard in my entire life. And who I am I to judge him, eh? I'm pretty judgemental... but I don't really care if people judge me. It doesn't affect me, does it? I think it's pretty amusing. I think I've already posted this.

So we had a lacrosse game yesterday. I'm really upset. I played so badly. Ali C. was in goal, and she had to tell me to defend her better. I was playing point, and Rose was playing third man, and she asked if I wanted to switch because I "looked confused". I don't know what was wrong with me. I just couldn't play well for some reason. And we lost by six points, 14-8 in favor of the other team. It was their Lacrosse Day, and for some reason we got t-shirts. They suck. At least our tees are cool. Jeez.

After the game, the Danielles and I went to get Domino's and went to see "Stick It". I wanted to eat at Staples at one of the desks, but Danielle H. made us sit on the stairs outside the nail place, so I had fun anyway and pretended we were homeless. Cinna stix = good. Pizza = good. All around goodness.

"Stick It" was a pretty awesome movie. I mean, the guys were totally hot. Her little friends. And the skater guys were hot, too, but not quite as hot because you didn't get to know them. And the girl was really talented. It was crazy. And she's incredibly pretty. And it's totally cool, the ending.

See how excited I get? Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

Today was a good day. I had ice cream and Dad came over. He acted semi-normal and there were no big fights, thankfully. We played badminton and I totally beat his ass. Or I tried to. I'm getting ready for camp so I can beat everybody and amaze them with my incredible skills. What song is this? Oh, "Virginia Moon" by Foo Fighters. I didn't recognize it.

My mormor in Sweden sent me $200 so I could get some stuff that was in my bag when it was stolen. (By the way, in Swedish, mormor literally means mothermother.) It was really my fault that it got stolen, but I'm still allowed to be pissed, right? So with the $200 that AmEx gave us and the $200 from Mormor, I can totally get a new iPod. Do they still sell the kind I had? I really don't want a new one. I want to be the last one to have an old-school iPod. Nick's is really old-school, though. It doesn't even have a click-wheel. I think I've posted this, before, too.

Who actually reads entire posts? I'm really just doing this for myself. Hrm.

Oh, by the way, real diamonds can be made from peanut butter.

Just thought you should know. For all those guys out there, diamonds = peanut butter, so peanut butter = girl's best friend. Definitely true for me. I don't know anybody else.

Patrick's Post

Okay, I'm freezing because I just ran out of the shower (without shaving, mind you), ran into my room (without drying off, mind you), and am sitting here wet as a dog while the upstairs is a mere 60 degrees Fahrenheit. I mean, frigging brrr!!!

Patrick demanded that I post by 9:00pm, so here I am at 8:45, writing this. Damn you, Patrick, and your purple hat. I'll pass the time by listing nicknames:

Patrick: Betty Spaghetti
Danny: Candy, until I can think of a better one
Nick: Hunky Hot Stuff
Alicia: Hottie with a Body
Corinne: Ginger, until I can think of a better one
Sophia: Bambi Big Ones

And that's pretty much it. I'll keep updating it, I guess. Check my AIM profile for sooner updates.

Here you go, Patrick. Here you friggin go. Hello, pneumonia.

Boarding School

I should be doing either my DBQ for social studies, or my English research project, but I just can't get this off my mind.

My mom and I were in the car earlier today, and we drove past Friend's Academy and Mom's like, "Maybe I'll send you to Friend's next year." I, of course, vehemently protested against this, and added as an after-thought, "I wouldn't mind going to boarding school, though," and now I can't get it off my mind.

Mom actually took it seriously and started talking with me about it, and now that I know it's actually an option I'm kind of freaking out. I mean, I know I'm probably just going to end up coming back to our school next year, but I feel like if I do I'll be missing out on something.

This is so annoying!!! I wish it had never come up. I actually have to make a decision instead of just assuming I'm coming back here. This is really hard. And freaky. And it seems unreal. Is this a dream?

I think I should go through the decision-making process we learned in Computer.

Lacrosse

I'm so worried about Nick. We went to go see his lacrosse game today, which wasn't a problem since we went to the city yesterday, and he came to our house afterward and we had to drive him back anyway.

It was pouring rain, about 35 degrees out, and we were all huddled in the press box (by the way, they have really nice fields at Fairfield), and Nick didn't play the entire game. He missed a few practices and a game, I think, while he was in Mexico with Jen visiting Jenny (his grandmother), but, honestly, is that his fault? So Jen's going to buy tickets to Mexico and Nick will tell her, "Nope, can't go, I've got practice"?

So he was just standing out there in his shorts and short sleeves, and they're not even allowed to wear sweatshirts, so he's freezing his ass off even more than we are even in the press box. In the second quarter, he went in for about 26 seconds, but that's it.

Fairfield lost by, what, 13 points?

So we go into the little garage-y type thing where all the hot varsity guys are huddled listening to their coach, and after the post-game speech is over Nick comes over to us shaking from the cold. His face was literally blue. He can barely talk, but tells us that the coach wants him to stay for the JV game that was right after the varsity game. He's soaking wet, freezing, and his coach wouldn't even let him go home and warm up before the game.

He and Jen argue, of course. I still don't see why she made him go. He's going to get sick for sure. He gave us hugs before he ran out onto the field to warm up. The coach promised he'd get to play in the JV game, and Nick did get to play, and Fairfield won, but, honestly. Was it worth it?

Anyway, when we were in the city, it was just Nick, Steve, and I hanging out, and it was really nice. We went to the car show, and the Jeep exhibit was SO cool. It didn't seem real, the incline that those cars could go up. The traction!!! It was insane. They were the only ones with a practical thing (Camp Jeep, they called it) but I found my dream car. A Saab. Old-looking and bright orange. I loved it.

And the guys were drooling over all the cars, of course. There was this HUGE concept car called the Super Chief. I forget who it was by, but I hope it NEVER goes on the market. It would eat gas stations, and completely destroy the environment. I wanted to key it, and then petition to the manufacturers to destroy all of the plans for it. It was THAT bad. Even the guys didn't like it.

We took a cab to Washington Square Park and looked for this Brazilian place, Barbados, that Johnny (Nick's uncle) had taken Steve and Nick to, but we couldn't find it. It was supposedly on Elizabeth Street, but it's a fairly short street, and we didn't find it. First, though, we had drinks at Epistrophy, which is an incredibly cool place. Jen met us there. The last time we'd seen her was at The Market Cafe for lunch, so she was already all dolled up and beautiful for the surprise party she was goinf to for her friend Lisa. Nick was running around frantically to Paul Frank and all these places trying to find a card for Lisa, but ended up struggling to get ballpoint pen to show up on a postcard at Epistrophy.

We ended up just getting dumplings, a nice little appetizer, at The Kitchen Club, a great place that we all love. Walking home, we saw the funniest flyer for a lost lighter, and it had a website that I went to, and it's actually pretty amusing. Here, http://www.ilostmylighter.com. Dana's the one that created it. Check it out.

Then we went outside when we got home and played idiotball, adding to the injuries I amassed Thursday night (either that or Wednesday night) when we had Tom, Paul, Erica, Maggie, Mike, Dane, Hayden, and some other folks I don't really remember over. We went swimming again, like me and Sophia did last weekend, brrrr. Paul tied his shirt up in a knot, stuffed two apples down his shirt, and placed a blonde wig on his closely cut hair. Then we taught him to model walk. It was great.

We got the drumset fixed up, huzzah. I'm spending practically every free moment in there (the garage where the set is). The guy at The Drum Center didn't charge us for fixing the sutff huzzah. He put a clutch on the hi-hat, gave us some screwsf or the bass drum, gave us a key for the snare

Okay, the lag on my computer is pissing me loff. I'm sorry if this stuff is spelt very wrong or whatev. I have to go. It's so annoying, I can't even see what I'm writing.

R.I.P. Goober

Wishing for More Wishes

I just wish that I could've given him a better life. You know, cared more about him. Held him. Patted him. Let him run around. Given him those special treats. Added some extra shavings to his cage. But you never know how important these kinds of things are until later.

I don't feel like writing about anything else that's happened since I last updated. Who cares about Mama Mia? Who cares about losing my iPod, celly, DS, whatever else was in my bag? Who cares about sleepovers? Why is it so important?

And why is there so much drama about little things? You like him, he doesn't like you, end of story. She used to be nice, now she's a bitch, period. It's so stupid.

Not when you can come home from your friend's house, from a pedicure, from fun, and learn that in the past - what, 12? - hours that you've been enjoying yourself, one of your family members is dead.

You probably thinking I'm overreacting. Oh, he's just a rabbit. And you know, he really was just a rabbit. But it still hurts.

No, actually, he was more than just a rabbit. He was a life. A life that is gone. But he's going to be creating more life, because we're going to bury him in the backyard and he will become part of the circle of life.

How corny does this sound? I don't care how corny it is, okay? It just hurts really really bad. People who hate me are reading this. They're probably thinking, "Hah, she's crying, she's hurting, serves her right."

So, in order to "serve me right", you're going to extinguish a life?

Goober was an old rabbit. He was a good, old rabbit, six years old - oh my god. I just realized that this morning I was looking at Easter cards at Corinne's house and I saw a card with a picture of a rabbit. "This looks like my rabbit," I said, "except less demonic."

I am so sorry, Goober. I am so so so so so sorry.

I love you. I know I could've shown it better, but I really do love you. And I wish I could show you that.

I'm not going to look at him. The vet had to shave him to determine what had caused him to die, but no conclusion was made. I don't want to remember him as a shaven, pathetic-looking creature. I want to remember him as the handsome, funny rabbit that he was.

In the car, I told Paula (Cori's mom) that my rabbit changes colors. In the winter, he's darker, and in the summer, he's lighter. Right now he's patchy. In between his amazing change.

I'm sorry. I really, truly am.

Homosexuality

Okay, I'm taking this opportunity to respond to a few posts I've received before I start telling y'all about my week.

Nick said, "i bet you cant predict the mood im in when i say that i am feeling...umm....brown..yea thats it--Nick (not the nick that your always talking about that i think is me because my name is nick)yea". Well, Nick... brown's a tough one. It has so many different interpretations. You could be feeling plain, bored, and not very special. You could be feeling that you'd match very well with pink. You could be feeling like you're a a blend of many different emotions, confused about your origins and who you really are. I think it's the last one. Am I right? Am I right?

Anonymous, you don't have to wait any longer. Here I am to answer all of your meandering questions. You said, "i have a quetsion. are you a lesbian. i dont have anything against it. im just wondering. when are you gona come out of the closet. post the ansswer in ur next blog. i shall be waiting". Except without the periods, because Anonymous used spaces instead, and they don't show up when you paste it into your blog. Oh, and Anonymous, you spelt 'question' wrong. And didn't use question marks. Tsk tsk.

When I read your post, I smiled. God, I love people. I hate humanity, but I love people. I mean, so many different people with different opinions and different personalities and it's all so FUNNY!

Anyway, your first question was if I am a Lesbian. On this front, I'm not really sure. I mean, I haven't tried making out with any girls yet. When I do, I'll be sure to post whether I liked it or not. Mmmkay? I hope your curiosity was satisfied on that point. You then asked when I'm going to come out of the closet. Now, that question makes it seem like you already think I am a Lesbian. Hmmm. Not really much of a question there, then, is there? So I guess in your eyes, I'm a Lesbian. Go figure. And here I was being all touch because you bothered to ask before discriminating. ::wipes tears from eyes::

Alright, dirty business over with. God, why is the whole Lesbian thing re-surfacing again? This is ridiculous.

Eventful week. I played hooky on Thursday because it was Steve's birthday. Huzzah, huzzah. And he gave us his wishlist Tuesday night. What a... I'm trying to find a really stupid elementary school insult. Oh, what a buttsniffer! Goodness. I had already gotten him two things on his wishlist, though, because I friggin pwn like that. The Forty-Year-Old Virgin and The Wedding Crashers. Two really, really good, funny movies. I love em. I wish I could give them kisses and hugs. Mmm-mmm, good.

So Steve now officially has his permit. Eeek. He can drive wherever he wants if his mommy his with him. Coincidentally, his mommy is also my mommy. Small world. So if I want my mom to drive me some place, and my brother needs to go there too, he's driving. Not good.

Tonight, Nick and Steve and Dane are going to a sweet sixteen. Actually, Corinne is too. Shocker. Not the same one, though. Sososo Hayden is coming over and we're going to yay around with my paints and stuff.

Oh, I suck at a painting, so I just do abstract, and yesterday I made the most awesomest ever painting. I was using a sheet of wax paper to mix my red, blue, and white to make a purple-ish color for the shell of the ammonite I had to sculpt for school. After I finished painting it, I started pressing the wax paper all over this sheet of paper, and it looks awesome. I mean, really good. Like really really good. All red, white, and blue, and patriotic.

Yesterday, 19 kids in our grade got to go to Career Day at NYIT. Me, Cori, Danny, Noel, Nick, John U, Rachel, Lindsay, Will, and other people that I don't remember. It was... informative. I chose Finance (because of the whole drumset-saving-up-for thing) and Education (for the whole psychotherapist or whatev thing). Informative, yes. But in the Career Games, I won this canvas bag. It was the best one there, and there was only one of them, and I'm so nice, I put a yellow ribbon on it and gave it to my mummy.

Oh, and we went to Moe's for lunch, and Noel spilled a cup of fruit punch all over the front of Danny's pants (bramd-new khakis!). It was sooo funny. We all made fun of him, I offered him a pad, it was a good time. And Moe's is really good. I should get paid for saying that.

I can't believe Danny is going out with Gabby (Gabbi? Gabbie? Gabbey?). She'll probably end up reading this, but I really don't like her. She also says I'm a Lesbian. Yeah, she's one of those. Maybe I just don't know her well enough, but Danny keeps telling me that she hates me back, but we should be friends, and she's really nice, etc. Don't like her. Uh-uh. Oh, and she doesn't even like to see Danny and me and Corinne walking together. We were walking down the hallway, and he sees her coming towards us, and he goes, "Uh-oh, I can't walk with you," and moves to the other side of the hall.

I'm probably leaving something out, but my computer is seriously lagging, and I don't have the patience to keep going.

Eggs

I learned something very interesting in Spanish today. One of the homework questions was to translate 'the small balls', so we got on the ::ahem:: interesting topic of male reproductive organs. (Miss Rose is the best.) She explained to us that how we connect the nouns 'balls' and 'nuts' to mean testes, in Spanish they use 'eggs'. I dunno why, but they do. So be careful talking about breakfast foods. "I'll have the big eggs." "I only want the white stuff inside." "Crack those eggs!" And the guys flinch.

There was the dumb DNA thing field trip today. We're making bacteria glow! And I don't really care! No, it was pretty interesting. The pipettors or whatever they were called were really fun, especially when you shot the tips off. There were sterile tips, see, to put on it, and when you pushed a button they... well, they flew, man, they flew.

Jess got a new cell phone, evidently. Just thought I'd tell y'all about Jess's purchases. Um... yeah. ::ducks head::

AND NOW ON TO MY PURCHASES!!! Steve had to go to Kohl's after the orthodontist appointment (six more weeks!), and so I literally annialated the store. And that is most definitely not how you spell 'annialated'. Whatev. "Turn to Stone" by Electric Light Orchestra. Good song. Yeah, anyway, I ended up with this black lace top that my mom said made me look like a French hooker, an adorable little short-sleeve blue-and-green striped blazer which had really poofy shoulders, a pearl bracelet with black accents that I had nothing to wear with, a green flowy-type top with pearl buttons that I was too tired to try on, camo cargo capris that were definitely not cut right for me, a white headband that made me look like Heidi, black fishnets that my mom said made me look like a French hooker, and THIS REALLY SUPER-DUPER AWESOME SWEATER THAT HAD A SCREWED-UP ZIPPER SO I GOT ANOTHER ONE AND IT WAS ON SALE AND IT'S REALLY SUPER-DUPER AND AWESOME. Oh, and another tube of liquid eyeliner because I lost my last one. So I (when I say 'I', I mean Mom) bought me two things: eyeliner and THIS REALLY SUPER-DUPER AWESOME SWEATER THAT HAD A SCREWED-UP ZIPPER SO I GOT ANOTHER ONE AND IT WAS ON SALE AND IT'S REALLY SUPER-DUPER AND AWESOME.

I mean, it's awesome. Green with blue argyle on the three-quarter length sleeves and it's SO AWESOME. Sick, ill, rad, knarly, whatev.

I think I'm going to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, whatev. I want to talk to people and help people with their problems, because I've got the illy skillys to do that. I mean, Corinne told me (when I asked what color she felt) that she felt mint green, and I immediately accurately predicted her mood! And Jess, after I reminded her to, commended me on how well I talk to her and how good I make her feel.

I friggin pwn.

Like that shirt I saw on ALLOY and love love love: "Note to Self: I'm Rad."

PIPPIN, HUZZAH!!!

Oh my goodness. "Pippin" is so good. My brother's an idiot. In the war scene. God. But it's still really, really good. And that sixth grader who plays Theo is adorable! Mitch. And Hayden and him are so cute together. Mmmm, I want to squeeze him.

So today, Sunday, is the last night of the musical. The last two nights were so good! They evened out, though, because Billy stumbled over a few lines last night and Brian did Friday night. Billy's part is so not the right key for him, but he did really, really well. And these people don't even know who I am. I know who they are. That's what I get for having an older brother.

Last night was our night. The one we Tachters, Ways, and Promaneks have every year. Last night was also the cast party, so Steve and Dane didn't come back to the Tachter/Promanek place to party. First, though, we did not go to the Adirondack Grill. We went to the Laguna Grill. Where I had Chipotle BBQ Chicken. Which I did not finish. Because it was gargantuan. If that's a word.

The Larsons, a friend of the Tachter/Promaneks, joined us for dinner, although Bryce (I did not spell that right) and his girlfriend Melissa (I think) didn't go to the play afterwards. They should be shot. Who would miss out on that willingly?

So there was a fifth grader (I think), Abe, who is going to be a hottie when he grows up. And he's so sweet and nice. I want to give him hugglies, but I think that would freak him out. Whatev.

Nick started it. He asked for a pen from me, so I dug through my entire huge bag to find him a pen so he could draw the Aquateen Hunger Force characters on his napkin. Hayden, Abe, and I watched him for a few minutes before Hayden found a pen in her bag and stared doing quadratic formulas on her napkin. It was really odd. Then Abe gave in to the fad and found a pen and started to make a really complicated maze. I was the last to fold, but eventually I cursed at my bag and searched with a flashlight for a few minutes before I found a pen for myself.

I drew my infamous kitty, a drumset, and a single eye and a nose. And I wrote some of the lyrics to "Saddest Girl Story" by The Starting Line and "Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades" by Brand New on it. And I wrote four lines on it that I made up. Which I forgot. But I'll remember.

Oh, and me and Hayden got up and danced in the corner of the restaurant to the salsa music. Actually, we did really bad '80's dancing, and turned around to see everybody at the table staring at us. It was pretty funnny. I motioned for Nick to come join us, but he chickened out. Boo, Nick.

When we were at the play, we were waiting for it to start. Alicia sat to the right of me, Sophia to the left, Corinne to the left of her, Hayden to the left of her, Abe to the left of her, Nick to the left of him, Jen to the left of him, Mom to the left of her, and Paula to the left of her. So I had Alicia start a Hug Chain, up until Mom broke it because she had no idea what she was doing.

And I'm going to shoot Jess. I want her to take me skiing with her family. Not just any time, however. ::cough::Billy::cough:: You're dead, Jess.

Steve and Dane were at the cast party, and Jen was pooped, so Chip drove Jen home while Mom, Bryn, Hayden, April, Erin, Nick, and I danced in the living room. Nick even admitted that he had fun, even though he wasn't allowed to go to the party. And then we shuffled around the living room not picking up our feet to create a static electricity. Erin kept shocking me in the forehead until I got a massive headache. I could feel the brain cells dying.

That hurt.

And then I was amazed by Nick's ability to catch a wadded-up gum wrapper while laying on the floor, because when I lay down my depth perception is completely out of whack. So I layed, lied, whatev, down next to him and tried to catch my hair clip when I threw it up. And I didn't. And that hurts considerably more than a gum wrapper when it hits you on the head.

OHOHOHOHOHOHOH. HAYDEN'S GOING TO MURDER ME FOR WRITING THIS, BUT IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN EXPOSING HAYDEN, APRIL, AND ERIN AT THEIR SENIOR PROM/GRADUATION, JOIN ME AND NICK IN THE QUEST TO GET THE ADVENTURELAND TAPE. IT'S SO DAMN FUNNY. IM ME FOR FURTHER INFORMATION.

Nick and I laughed so hard. They're such little idiots. They were so cute, though. I'll give you three words: dancing and Britney Spears. Nuff said. Hehe.

Nick and I had an in-depth conversation last night as he read Seveteen magazine and I read my dumb fifth-grade stories. We talked about love. I said it was beautiful, but it wasn't worth it. And he was pretty silent the whole time. I think. I don't really remember. It wasn't all that in-depth.

Whatev. I'm tired. We only stayed up until like 2am this morning. I was shocked. We left the Tachter/Promaneks at 1. AT 1. D'you know how early that is? Dumb parents, getting tired. Gosh. I could've danced the night away.

Spare a little sunshine.

It must be so fun to have Jackie's part. Jeez. Except I would look really bad doing it. Whatev. I can still do it in my room with the door shut. So shoot me.

Eh... I'm done. And hungry.