The meaning of heartache

I have a broken heart.

I never knew it would hurt this badly.

I have been so dumb these past six years.

Fuck

I absolutely, positively despise crying.

My cat, Ashely has died.

And I will not cry.

Alcohol and nicotine, it keeps us warm inside

Ssssh, everybody... I'm pretending to take a shower so I won't have to IM the bitches in the chatroom, namely, Nick.

Normally at this time I do take a shower, though. If you can call the routine I've developed since Monday a routine. I dick around until 5-ish, when I turn off all the lights in my room save this blue-lighted fountain, and put on my "What's Relaxing" playlist with nature sounds and Chinese bamboo music (?). I shove my rug to one side of the room. I unroll my purple yoga mat in front of my mirror.

I go into the bathroom. I pee. I return wearing only my bra and panties.

I sit on my mat in lotus, thinking of what I want to accomplish: I want to strengthen my body, mind, and soul. Some of y'all might read this and think, "That vain bitch only wants to strengthen her body." Well, I do, but I also think it's really important to have a healthy mind. So... go me.

Then I do sitting twists, which sometimes crack my back very nicely. Three on each side. Then I sit with my left leg tucked in and my right leg straight out and stretch and hold it three times. Then I switch.

Breathing deeply. In three counts (thinking "Om nama shivaya"), hold for two ("namaste"), out for three ("om nama shivaya").

Then I do my kicks, which remind me of some weird-ass 80s work-out video Alicia's mom had in their basemente. And this thong-assed leotard Corinne and I giggled over in Joan's Attic. Or is it Jones' Attic? What a mystery.

Then I do three sun salutations, holding the middle one the longest and lowering, instead of knees-chest-chin, straight down.

Then I rock-and-roll three times, coming up the last time into boat and holding it. I repeat this twice more.

Then I do a shoulderstand and hold it as long as I can, constantly working my way higher.

Then I practice a balancing pose. Monday I did tree. Tuesday I did standing dragon. Wednesday I did warrior three. Today I did dancer.

Then I do whatever I wish. Today I did dolphin and shark, for arm strength.

Then I meditate (breathing deeply) for however long I like.

Then I shower.

But today I didn't shower. I went online. Where I am now.

I'm so happy I've gotten back to yoga. I add it to my places I truly feel I fit in: 1) the stage, 2) skiing, 3) yoga.

-hugs self-

You'll Laugh

I giggled.

Bonnebell Liplights

So, o faithful readers. As I've previously mentioned, it seems that I haven't posted an entry to my blog since Pax Romana. Huh. Intriguing.

It's 3:42 right now, I'm leaving to bike to Hayden's house at 4:30, and in between I have to sup. So time is of the essence. And yet patience is a virtue. Why do expressions have to be so contradictory (kind of like Christianity)?

Yesterday was Matthew Shepard day, pretty intense. I hide my emotions very well, I've learned. Like yesterday I was devastated and thoughtful, and yet I believe I seemed even more exuberant than ever.

Also, I'm still pissed at Jess (I know she's reading this, hey, Jess), but I think it was only the right thing to do to forgive her. I don't trust her. And she angers me almost constantly, because I don't think she's serious about anything. I've told her this, so I'm not being a total ass-hat. And I don't mean to single her out, she's just the best example I can think of to show how much I hide my emotions.

Other than extreme anger, I've been pretty impassive the last week. I don't know why. I just feel removed from everything, like I'm watching the world turn below me. We learned about that in science. Now I really want to sit in a helicopter and just watch Earth rotate. Spin, Earth, spin.

My brother, Mom, and I took a tour of NYU. I realize I'm only a freshman, and it's not time yet to start developing some deep grooves in my forehead, but it really appeals to me. I've always felt very comfortable in New York; I've also felt very comfortable in our summer home in the country in Sweden, so I guess I'm adaptable. It would just be amazing to spend four years in the city. Too bad I would have to $12,000 to live there, at least in the college dorms, which are amazing in a good way. And then tuition is unbelievable, in a bad way. And last year they only accepted 28% of admissions. Why is the world against me???

At least I'm not an idiot. I'm really not. Some people say, "I hate dumb people," -cough-, when they are indeed one themselves. But I'm fairly intelligent. Above average, I think.

Wait, that's not gloating. I didn't mean to gloat. Was I gloating? I was just trying to word how I have an advantage over all those morons applying to NYU. Maybe this is what Corinne means when she calls me arrogant.

Try-outs for the musical are on January 9. I'm already nervous, but who can't wait to see me hide that emotion, too??? Steven told me that they split the try-out-ees into groups of 10-15, and then you sing in front of your group, Abbe, Marge, and the stage managers, who, if they're the same as for the drama, are Lil and Stef. It's bad enough for people who can sing, who take voice lessons, who have an amazing voice, but I cannot. At all. And I know that. Which is even worse. A lot of people think they can sing, when, in all actuality, they really, absolutely should never, ever open their mouths for a musical purpose ever again.

I think I'll be singing "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations. It's such a fun song. And I already sang it once in front of people, at camp, doing improv. But I was scared even then, and they were all my friends.

But, hey, I'll act calm, cool, and collected. That's why I am flipping awesome in Jesters. Because I'm a great actress! So many years of experience. -tremble- "Don't tremble."

Hey, at least I'll have a hook.

The Say Anything concert was so much fun!!! I enjoyed myself immensely. At first, I thought Sayreville was a total hick town (which it is), but Starland Ballroom was incredible. And I fell in love twice that night and made a friend! Which my last post explained briefly.

My brother is an ASSHOLE. He makes fun of me when I'm upset, he insults me when I'm excited, he makes negative comments when I'm happy. He talks about me to his friends. He helps spread rumors about me. He HITS ME IN THE FACE WITH A TENNIS BALL. He excludes me from everything. It pisses me off.

I was talking to Nick and Andrew about how hot Hayden is. Because she is exceedingly gorgeous. I would go gay for Hayden. The gross thing is that Nick, the other Nick, and Steven were also talking about how hot she is. They're almost seventeen. She's almost thirteen. Once she's in high school, though, she's "fair game." I told Nick she hates him, which broke his little kitten-like heart. I told Andrew she thinks he's cute, which she does, and that she thinks we should go out. Oh, Hayden. I love that girl. She's probably up there in my top three friends. I won't tell who the other two are, but you guys know who you are, and, if you're not, you probably think you are. So everybody's happy, except those who couldn't understand that sentence.

I just finished three good books, two of them better than the third. "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" by a person (I can't find the book) and "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer. I am so in love with Edward in "Twilight." I want to bear his children, except that I don't think that's possible. You'll have to have read the book to know what I mean.

I'm going to wrap this up since it's almost time to go. Hayden's house, ho. (Love that girl.)